Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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