I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If that was your dad, he is hot
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
