awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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