He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
