i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
What a dumb baby whore.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
