and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
True college students do jello shots in the library
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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