nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
