WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
