He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
