even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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