apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
