No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
