She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
