final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
