Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
