I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
