Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am available for nakedness
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
