my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
