Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She needs sedatives and a leash
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
