she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
