you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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