don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
