We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
