only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
