He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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