He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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