My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize