cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
