party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Still dying that you shit outside
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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