if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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