Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize