she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
