Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
