I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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