Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
