I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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