i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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