I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
