i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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