yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
