Umm I'm too high to move.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
