so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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