when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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