she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
