Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
