i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
