Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
