what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
