you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
