I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize