On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
