I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Your penis caused this!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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