I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
