I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
