Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
