I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize