I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
