There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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