CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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